


red freesias

by onepieceofstardust



Category: BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Afterglow (BanG Dream!) - Freeform, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Hanahaki Disease, Temporarily Unrequited Love, mentions of kaoru - Freeform, minor tsuguhima if you wanna interpret it that way, tsugu is a good friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:27:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23373151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onepieceofstardust/pseuds/onepieceofstardust
Summary: Over the course of 8 days, Himari realizes she's in love with her childhood friend and becomes ill, not necessarily in that same order.
Relationships: Hazawa Tsugumi & Uehara Himari, Udagawa Tomoe/Uehara Himari, Udagawa Tomoe/Yamabuki Saaya
Kudos: 54





	red freesias

**Author's Note:**

> 10/28/2020 revision  
> Added a few passages and cleaned up the chronology of the whole fic. Himari's name in her own phone is now "hii-chan" instead of "hey hey hoh" because it... seems better that way? Saya's name is also spelled Saaya out of habit

Ever since the wedding photoshoot, a certain brown-haired drummer had been on Tomoe's mind.

Something about that day confused her—something that she couldn’t quite place, and it kept nagging at her in school, during band practice, in the evenings at home when she helped Ako with homework.

Tomoe and Ako both knew Saaya, but neither were particularly close friends with her. And although Kaoru was certainly flirtatious, she had a good heart. She’d volunteered for the wedding photoshoot as much as Saaya had. Tomoe knew that the thespian would never have malicious intentions towards, well, anyone at all.

So why had she been so adamant about stopping the assumed wedding?

The answer came to Tomoe one night while she was lying in bed. She saw Saaya in her mind, her normally pretty face made even more beautiful with makeup, white lace and silk wrapped over her slender frame, those lovely bright blue eyes.

Tomoe groaned and pressed her face to the pillow. The answer? She had a crush on Saaya Yamabuki. And on that confusing day, when it seemed the unfathomable would occur, that Saaya would be swept away by Kaoru—Tomoe simply couldn’t have let that happen.

Well, she knew her friends would be supportive about her feelings. And at least she could use Moca as an excuse to visit Yamabuki Bakery from time to time.

Afterglow stayed at CiRCLE longer than normal on Monday. Ran had come up with the musings of a new song, and the other girls had agreed practice it—but unfortunately for them, it was a fast-paced tune with lots of sixteenth notes, which wore everyone out.

After rehearsal was done, Ran went straight home to work more on their song. Moca dragged the other girls to Yamabuki Bakery so the pastries could revive their flagging energy. Himari yawned and slumped down in a chair, lulled into a light doze by the sound of Moca's voice ordering bread.

She was tired today. There had been the usual mess of school to deal with, then Ran's new song required a fast bass line so its rhythm could keep the other instruments on time. Himari's fingers were sore from picking the notes. And last night, she’d fallen asleep pretty late. Something had been on her mind, bothering her before she could finally drift off.

Maybe it was her bi awakening. (Oh, that’s a loaded sentence.) Normally Himari fantasized about boys, but a recent epiphany had forced her to admit that okay, _maybe_ she liked girls too. She'd refused to think that for a long time—which was silly, because there was nothing wrong with it! She just... had never viewed herself in that perspective.

Although it did explain why she fawned over Kaoru so much.

And as ridiculous as it seemed—Himari firmly told herself that it was not ridiculous, she was just figuring things out—a big thing that helped her realize her preferences was Tomoe.

After band practice one day, Himari had glanced over to see Tomoe, sweating and breathing hard, with a grin as bright as the sun on her face. Not an unfamiliar sight—a good session usually picked up everyone's spirits, sometimes even coaxing a rare smile from Ran. But something about Tomoe that day made her pause, drew her in.

Her tight grip on the drumsticks, her lean figure sitting behind the drum set, sweat dripping off her face, intensity in her eyes. Himari had seen her like this before, but now it was as if she looked through someone else’s eyes—a different gaze that made her notice all these things, made her think of it strangely.

It made Himari feel similar to what she felt when Kaoru was near, kind of dizzy and glowing warm in her core, hundreds of butterflies fluttering around.

That was when she began to consider the possibility that she might be attracted to girls.  
So basically, it was partly Tomoe's fault that she hadn’t been able to sleep yesterday. Tomoe who was—

Who was talking to Saaya? That was a bit uncommon. The Afterglow girls all knew Saaya, but none of them were particularly close friends with her, except maybe Moca. She stopped by Yamabuki Bakery so often that she and Poppin'Party's drummer were well-acquainted.

As they spoke over the counter, there was an odd expression on Tomoe's face. Something Himari had never seen before.

Was Tomoe acting... _shy_?

A tight, constricting sensation welled in Himari's chest, and she coughed once. Twice. Then suddenly she was doubled over in a coughing fit, the air stolen from her lungs.

She was dimly aware of Tsugumi shouting her name, Saaya asking if she was okay, and the concerned looks from Moca and Tomoe. "I just need some air," she managed to get out, then she was stumbling out of the bakery, desperately trying to breathe.

The coughing spasms slowed down, then stopped. Himari gulped the cool evening air down her raw throat and looked up. Almost all the sunset's light was gone, replaced by the inky blue darkness of the oncoming night sky. The stars were appearing one by one. If they had been outside right now, Tsugumi surely would’ve spotted the first one.

Speaking of Tsugu, the keyboardist burst through the doors. "Himari-chan!" she called, grabbing the bassist's arms. "What happened earlier? You had us worried!"

"It was nothing," Himari tried to reassure her. She smiled weakly. "I guess I might be coming down with a cold... but I’m alright now."

The brown-haired girl smiled back. "That’s good to hear. Come on, Moca-chan got all her stuff, so we can head home now. Unless you want to grab a bun or something?"

Himari shook her head. "I’m good, thanks."

_Tomoe talking to Saaya with that look on her face, so honest. So affectionate._

_She never smiles at you like that_.

Her lungs seized again. Himari fought down the urge to cough as the other girls left the bakery. She reassured Tomoe and Moca that she was fine, although they didn’t seem too convinced. And Himari herself wasn’t convinced either.

She knew that it was something much worse than a cold.

The next day, Tuesday, Himari woke up with an itching feeling in her chest. She ignored it and got ready for school.

She made it through her morning classes. Then when she was about to go to lunch, the tightness surged and she coughed, putting a hand in front of her mouth. Himari made it to the bathroom before collapsing into a fit of coughing. Luckily, it was empty, so she didn't have to deal with the curiosity of any other students.

Himari closed her eyes and leaned against the cool, tiled wall for support. _It's worse than yesterday_. She wasn't certain of what exactly it was, but she had read about it before in manga and other romance tropes. Himari groaned and opened her eyes.

Who could the source be? She knew the disease was caused by—ugh, _unrequited love_ —but no one that she particularly liked came to mind.

For a brief moment, Himari wondered if it came from her feelings towards Kaoru. She dismissed the thought—her emotions didn't run that strong. Besides, she'd heard rumors from that Kaoru was already attached to an old childhood friend, so even if she did love Kaoru... there was no chance.

Another tall girl appeared in her thoughts, one who was also a childhood friend.

Her phone buzzed, a message from the group chat 'afterglow hoes'.

**bread girl** : himariiiiii

**tsugurific** : himariiiiiiiiiiiii

**bread** **girl** : its lunchtime where are youuuuu

**tomomo** : Guys chill she's probably just doing classwork

Seeing Tomoe's name on her phone nearly caused her to drop it. She coughed once, hard, and what dropped into her hand was... a single flower petal.

Panic surged in Himari. She forced herself to breathe evenly—hyperventilating would only make her condition worse. The petal was bright red, just like Tomoe's hair. She crushed it in her hand and threw it away, then typed out a response to the chat.

**hii-chan** : yeah sorry!! i have to catch up on some work :(

**tsugurific** : aww :(

**tomomo** : Oh well, there's always tomorrow! :)

**hii-chan** : yep!

What kind of a reply was "yep"? Himari cursed herself silently, sighed and put her phone back in her bag. She’d might as well spend the rest of her lunch in her next classroom. She couldn’t face her friends like this, hacking flowers from her chest.

_Ugh, there’s still the rest of all my classes to go._

Himari prayed to whatever god or gods out there that she could get through the day without having another coughing fit, then picked up her stuff and went to class.

By Wednesday, Himari had learned that while she couldn’t really stop her coughing, she could ease the soreness in her throat with warm drinks (especially tea) and throat drops. She silently thanked whoever had invented tea—sometimes she just didn’t appreciate it enough. She was then reminded of a meme Moca had sent her once.

_Random person: hey a leaf fell into your water_

_Guy who’s about to invent tea: oh, haven’t you heard?_

The random thought caused her to burst into laughter. (Then she stopped, because if she kept laughing it would hurt her throat more.)

She walked to CiRCLE humming the bass line for Ran’s new song, the one they had practiced a few days ago. It was really quite catchy. Surprisingly, she was the first one there—wait, Tsugumi was in the lounge. Himari's title of being the earliest had just been snatched.

"Hi, Himari-chan!” the keyboardist called. Himari waved and went to sit down by her, just as both of their phones buzzed.

_Group chat message?_

Himari met Tsugumi’s questioning look with a shrug, and the two girls both checked their phones to see what it was.

**tomomo** : Hey everyone

**tomomo** : Can I tell you something?

"Ooh, tea?" Himari questioned. Tsugumi let out a giggle and sent a reply.

**tsugurific** : go ahead!

**hii-chan** : yeah, we’re listening

**bread** **girl** : ofc

The drummer appeared in her mind, and Himari's butterflies came back. What deep, dark secret did Tomoe have to tell them?

She wanted to see the response—but because her timing sucked for some reason, Himari felt a familiar tightness in her lungs.

No. This one was going to be worse. She could feel it.

A cough exploded out of her chest, then another, then another. She couldn’t stop. She hunched over in her seat, wheezing. Tsugumi rubbed her back, trying to help, but she was coughing so hard that tears formed in her eyes.

Himari coughed up a half-crushed flower into her hands, and her spasms subsided.

"Are you okay now?" Tsugumi asked, and she nodded. "You sound like you’re getting a cold—maybe you should skip practice today. I’m sure the others will understand."

"No!" Himari said. It came out louder than she had meant. "I mean, no. I’m fine, just got some dust in my lungs."

Tsugu frowned. "Are you sure? Th— hey, are you holding something?"

Himari tried to shove the flower behind her. "No."

"Himari," Tsugumi said gently. Her face was kind, and she put her arm around the bassist's shoulders. "Whatever's bothering you, you can tell me."

It was so sweet, so unexpectedly _touching_ , that Himari's eyes welled up again. This time the tears wouldn’t stop. She cried out all her worries from the past few days on Tsugu's shoulder, the other girl hugging her and rubbing her back.

It took a few minutes before the fountain behind her eyes stopped. She sniffled a bit, grabbed a napkin from the table and wiped her face.

_Tsugu deserves to know._

Himari reached behind and brought the flower fragment out, a damp bulb with red petals. Tsugumi's eyes widened at the sight.

"We can text Ran and ask what it is," the brown-haired girl said after a few moments. "She’s bound to know."

Himari nodded. She didn’t trust herself to speak right now.

"Do you know who...?" Tsugumi asked quietly.

Himari let out a small sigh, dropping her gaze. Tsugu didn’t press any further.

"Sorry— can I?" She gestured at her phone, wanting to check what she had missed from the group chat.

Tsugumi nodded, and she reached for her phone to check too.

**tomomo** : It's kind of personal so uh, please don’t tell anyone outside the five of us

**tomomo** : But I... might have a crush on Saaya?

**bread** **girl** : the bakery girl?? moca-chan approves

**tomomo** : Ahaha, thanks I guess

**ran (away from feelings)** : she seems like a nice person

She heard Tsugumi inhale. Himari's vision blurred, and she dropped the flower she was holding. She knew who had caused it to grow in her lungs.

She knew that she was utterly in love with Tomoe Udagawa, her childhood friend, and Tomoe did not love her back.

Himari was in absolute hell.

That awful Wednesday, she’d forced herself through rehearsal, Tsugu glancing at her worriedly the entire time. The minute she got home, she flopped on her bed and had an unholy fit of crying and coughing at the same time.

**hii-chan sent a message.**

**hii-chan** : do you know what kind of flowers are these? i saw some walking home from school and they looked super pretty

**hii-chan** : so i figured you might recognize them!

**ran (away from feelings)** : I’m pretty sure that’s a freesia

**ran (away from feelings)** : they usually symbolize friendship and trust

**hii-chan** : ok thanks!!

Her coughing was more frequent now. At least one flower she hacked up was formed well enough for Ran to identify it, although the fact that it had _grown_ so much was concerning. Every mention of Tomoe or the sight of her name exacerbated her condition.

She skipped band practice on Friday, saying that she had come down with a cold, and spent the rest of the day thinking about the color of Tomoe's eyes.

No one knew about her disease except Tsugumi.

**tsugurific** : you couldn’t come to practice today, are you okay? >.<

**hii-chan** : no

**hii-chan** : it’s getting worse

**tsugurific** : this really sucks, i’m sorry...

**tsugurific** : is there a way to cure it ?

**hii-chan** : from what i’ve seen, if you confess your love and the person reciprocates the feelings, then it goes away

**tsugurific** : oh

**tsugurific** : himari-chan, i'm so sorry

**tsugurific:** if there’s any way i can help please let me know. we all love you and we’re worried about you even though the other girls don’t know about this

**hii-chan** : thanks for sticking with me tsugu

**tsugurific** : of course ^.^

**tomomo** : Important announcement!!

**tsugurific** : hm ?

**tomomo** : I’m going on a date with Saaya!!

**bread girl** : aww our little tomo-chin is all grown up

**ran (away from feelings)** : congrats tomoe

**tsugurific** : yeah! ^^

**hii-chan** : congrats tomoe i’m really glad for you!

Even typing this out was painful for Himari. Her breathing grew ragged.

**tomomo** : Ahh, thanks everyone!

**tomomo** : Also Himari are you feeling better?

**hii-chan** : yep!! all ready for school on monday!

The flowers were spotted with blood now, red petals stained darker red. Her throat was raw, and it hurt to swallow food—she only ingested fluids now. Himari's parents were worried and wanted to take her to a doctor, but she begged them to let her wait it out, to see if it would get better by itself.

Himari knew it wouldn’t get better.

**tomomo** : I’m glad to hear that :)

Her hands shook. She missed hanging out with her four friends, missed eating lunch with them, missed seeing Tomoe every day. She missed the sound of the drummer's voice and the comforting presence she emitted. Himari missed the way she would put up with her whining and the way she played the drums and her smile, her laugh, everything about her—

Himari _wanted_ to be with Tomoe. Himari wanted to hold her hand, wanted just the two of them to be on the school roof watching the sunset together.

But she knew if she saw Tomoe, the freesias would grow so much faster, they’d crush the life from her body.

_Freesias symbolize friendship_. They had been friends since forever, but how long had Himari been in love with Tomoe? Longer than she knew. Himari had been a fool for not seeing it earlier. She’d been a fool to deny it for so many years.

_If you were a guy, Tomoe, I’d never let you go._

She was so, so stupid.

Himari sat down and closed her eyes. She was exhausted.

**Saaya-chan** : Hey thank you for that date on Saturday! I had a lot of fun

**Saaya-chan** : I feel bad for saying this now... the thing is, I have feelings for someone else, is it okay if we just stay friends?

**Tomoe** : Ah

**Tomoe** : Well then.

**Saaya-chan** : I’m so sorry!!

**Tomoe** : It’s alright, I think I might like someone else anyway

**Saaya-chan** : You sure you’re not just saying that to make me feel better?

**Tomoe** : Yeah I’m sure

**Tomoe** : Still friends?

**Saaya-chan** : Still friends :>

Over the weekend, bloody tissues piled up in the trash can of Himari’s room.

On Monday, she woke up, went downstairs—and pain stabbed throughout her body. She gasped as her vision was covered in black spots.

_You can do this. Stand up! Stand up!_

“Himari!”

_Mom_.

“I need... go to school...” she rasped. Even talking was painful. Against her will, she slumped down to the floor.

Was she about to die? These stupid flowers were going to kill her like she was the protagonist of a tragic romance series. _At least let me see my friends before I go... maybe Kaoru-senpai, too. That would be nice._

Darkness filled her vision.

**tsugurific** : you weren’t at school today!

**tsugurific** : are you okay?

**tsugurific** : please text me as soon as you can

**tomomo** : Are you still sick?

**tomomo** : Can I stop by your house? I have something to tell you

**ran (away from feelings)** : what’s going on? you won’t answer anyone’s messages... it's like our roles have been swapped

**bread girl** : we’re gonna invade your house~ better watch out

**tsugurific** : i know you won’t see this message until you’re discharged from the hospital, but i need to tell the others everything

**You have unread messages from 'afterglow hoes'.**

**ran (away from feelings)** : me and moca are visiting after school, anyone else want to come?

**tsugurific** : i have student council work today, but tell her i said hi!

**tomomo** : I’ll join you guys

  
  
It was Tuesday. Tomoe had never seen Himari look so lifeless.

She was asleep, an IV drip attached to her arm. She wore the standard white hospital gown. A monitor next to the bed tracked her heart rate, slow and even. Tomoe had always thought of Himari as a bright person, with her light pink hair, green eyes and flushed cheeks. She was rarely so pale and gaunt.

And it hurt, knowing Tomoe had caused her to end up like this.

Her parents had rushed her to the emergency room after she blacked out at home, faint from being unable to eat solid food. After Himari was admitted to the hospital, Tsugumi had told them everything—that coughing fit at the bakery, her "cold" keeping her from going to practice, her true feelings. Everything basically boiled down to _it’s Tomoe’s fault_.

No one said it out loud, but she knew it was true.

"Hii-chan," Moca drawled. "Wake up, we brought some treats from Hazawa Coffee for you.~"

Ran frowned. "Let her rest. She’s had a rough time recently."

Tomoe just looked at the sleeping bassist. One fleeting ( _ha_ ) crush on Saaya, one small date, and Himari landed in the emergency room.

How could she have been so selfish? She loathed herself for not noticing earlier. There was last Monday at Yamabuki Bakery, when Tomoe jumped at the chance to talk to Saaya, and Himari coughed her lungs out. Then their next band practice, she had been out of it, playing off-beat. And she didn’t even show up to rehearsal on Friday.

Himari said she had gotten a cold, but Tomoe was willing to bet her best pair of drumsticks that she’d suffered at home that day, hacking out bloodstained flowers.

She felt so, so guilty.

Moca's slow voice interrupted her thoughts. "Tomo-chin, we're gonna drop off our stuff and go. You coming with?"

Tomoe sighed. "Actually, I’ll stay for a little longer."

Moca nodded sagely and exited. Ran followed, but just before the singer went out the door, she paused and looked back at the drummer.

"Hey... take it easy, okay?"

She was still staring at Himari. "Yeah. See you later, Ran."

Ran left. Now it was just the two of them in the hospital room, and the bag of pastries courtesy of the absent Tsugumi.

Tomoe rubbed her forehead. She hoped Himari wouldn’t wake up anytime soon, because if she did, it would be very awkward. She had no idea what to say, where to start. _Sorry for making you end up here?_ She really was the worst.

"I’m sorry," she whispered, and Himari's verdant eyes cracked open.

The bassist managed a weak smile. "Hey, Tomoe."

" _I’m so sorry_ ," she said, her voice cracking in a sob. To her chagrin, she was starting to cry, tears falling on her jacket sleeves. She took Himari’s hand—it was cold.

Himari started. "What—"

"I’m not in love with Saaya," Tomoe said all in a rush. "I might have had a crush on her for a bit, but we went on one date and I realized my feelings weren’t as strong as I thought they were. Also, she likes someone else anyway—you know what, Himari? You’re amazing. I don’t know how I never realized that sooner."

"Tomoe..."

She kept going. She wasn’t thinking, just blurting out everything on her mind. There was a lot to let out. "It’s always been you, you know? I’m sorry I never said that earlier. We’ve known each other for so long, but I was dumb and selfish, and— I liked Saaya cause she could totally rock a wedding dress. But you, you’ve always been the leader of our group, and you’ve always been with me this whole time."

They were both crying now, turquoise and emerald eyes swimming in tears.

"And I’m sorry that I almost killed you. The truth is, I really, _really_ like you, Himari, and I’m sorry I have to tell you that when you're in the goddamn hospital." She bowed her head. "Please—forgive me!"

Tomoe's vision was blurred. She sat there, not trusting herself to say anything else, not looking back up.

Himari's fingers wrapped around hers. They were weak, but they were alive. Himari Uehara was alive.

"Tomoe," she said hoarsely. "Tomoe, look at me."

Tomoe lifted her head and looked at Himari. The other girl was smiling, tears making bright tracks down her face. "I’m breathing. _I’m breathing clearly now_."

The drummer squeezed her hand. Hope filled up in her like rainwater, and she smiled back. "I think I love you, Himari."

"I feel that way too," Himari said in a faint voice. "Tomoe, I— I never thought I’d get to say that!"

"The flowers are all gone then?"

Himari took a deep breath. Her eyes glowed, and she laughed. "They’re gone!"

On impulse, Tomoe leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. Himari flushed, the heart monitor beeping much faster. Tomoe let out a laugh of her own.

"Are those pastries?" Himari asked. "I’m _starving_. Don’t tell this to the workers, but hospital food kinda sucks."

Tomoe reached for the bag. "Compliments of Hazawa Coffee. Actually, Ran and Moca stopped by with this earlier, but you were asleep. Are you allowed to eat anything right now?"

Himari let out a small giggle. "The doctors won't know what they don't see."

Tomoe pulled out a donut and split it apart, giving a piece to Himari. A lot of things had happened, and there was still a lot more for them to figure out, but they would do it together—the same as always.

She looked at the pink-haired girl, weak from her disease, but well on the way to being her normal vigorous self.

And Tomoe promised herself she would never hurt Himari so much, ever again.

**Author's Note:**

> h-hewwo,,, this is my first time posting on this site,,, i hoped you liked it,,,,, pwease weave a kudos and comment ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
> 
> Just kidding haha  
> This really is my first time posting writing online. The ending is a bit sloppy, but I'm just proud I actually managed to get everything done before I got frustrated and deleted it. I’ve never really written a full piece like this before so I hope yall liked it!


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